Other times, abusive partners will act as though they cannot hear your voice at all. He or she will keep on working, staring at the TV or fiddling with something in their hand. It is especially annoying when you want to discuss a serious issue, but the person is concentrating on issues that do not matter at all.

 

The best way to counter blocking and diverting is to keep your mind on track, maintain your position. Maintain control of your emotions and thoughts.

For example, you may ask, “Mark, why aren’t you dressed to take the kids to school?”

He may reply, “This education system is not right for the children. Did you watch the news yesterday?”

If you reply, “What was on the news yesterday?” He has won, and you have lost. He has managed to deflect your attention from his responsibility to issues in the education system. He will now start discussing the education system, and in the end, you might end up driving the children to school yourself.

Instead, reply, “I did not, but you must first take the children to school. We will discuss the issue when you are back.” This reply shows that you are not willing to flinch from your position, indicating to him that taking the children is more important at the moment than discussing the glitches of the education system.

 

Lying

As you would expect, lying is a form of abuse too. It is done either consciously or unconsciously. A person withholds or alters the truth due to a blatant disregard of the reality of the situation or of the person to whom he or she is lying to.

 

Partial confessions

Right next to lying are partial confessions. Abusers use this as a strategy to gain undeserved favor from an accountability partner or the victim of the abuse to protect himself from the consequences of an action or event that happened. This partial acknowledgement and an apology work effectively to keep off the consequences and to inflate an insincere promise to change.

 

An abusive partner will say, “I know I watched the wrong content on the internet, but it is only because I clicked on an ad on the internet and the video appeared.”

“I was late to pick you, but you still got to see your doctor.”

“It’s true I do that sometimes, but it is never that bad.”

 

Unrealistic demands

Some partners feel entitled and will place their unrealistic demands on their victims were driven by the belief that they deserve special treatment, privileges, or that they can have double standards at the expense of their victims. A partner like this will not value his partner’s individual identity but only works on inflating his own value.

 

Covering up

This is a deflection strategy where a guilty party does a whole lot of good to cover up the multitude of bad he or she has done. This is often exhibited by abusers living a double life and who are not willing to accept that they have an abusive character. Many of them seek opportunities for service by volunteering in the community or in the church to cover up the negative side and conceal the truth about what they do.

 

Blame

Blame makes issues appear one-sided, and the victim is always at fault. The phrase, ‘you are to blame’ or  ‘this is your fault’ are second nature to the abuser. Where blaming is persistent, domestic violence is most often present.

 

There is also reverse-blaming, a situation in which the abuser converts the concerns or correction statements he has for the abuser into a problem. For example, he could say, “If you would stop doing what you are doing, then I wouldn’t have to yell at you all the time.” An abusive partner could also say, “If you learned to think on your feet, then I wouldn’t have to tell you what to do every time.”

 

Discounting & Belittling

This is the kind of abuse that seeks to trivialize or to minimize your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. A person who does this intends to show you that your emotions are wrong and that they do not matter.

 

Guilt

I perceive guilt to be a form of bullying, which makes it certainly a form of abuse. A person will guilt you into conforming to his or her ways by making you question what you stand for. The person will manipulate you by bringing to mind the principles you stand for to get you to conform to their will. For example, if you are a devout mother who believes in the need for a child to have both parents and are in an abusive relationship, physical or otherwise, the other partner will use this as a guilt chip. Whenever you want to walk out of an abusive marriage, the abuser will let you know how distraught the children would be growing up without both parents. You will end up staying in the toxic relationship because of what you believe is best for the children.

 

Guilt tripping does not just happen through words; it takes both obvious and subtle ways. It can be done using words, a glance and through other forms of expression like anger, frowning and harsh words. It is meant to deter you from making decisions that favor you as a person, aligned with your best self, in accordance with your principles and values.

 

A person that acts as though all that he does is for the benefit of others, without getting any benefit for himself, is only trying to cause you to feel guilty. He will require you to behave in a certain way, especially in a way to show that you accept and are grateful for the sacrifice the person has done. The person feels like he deserves some form of payment or reward.

 

I saw this in my neighbor’s family. Both parents work but the wife’s job is more demanding, and she tends to stay out till around 8pm in the evening. In the days when the wife is unavailable to feed the children and help them in their homework because she is stuck at work, her husband takes up the mantle and takes care of the needs of the children. However, he makes sure that the wife compensates him for taking on ‘her’ roles. She is forced to allow him to have control of the money she makes, and she should understand when he himself stays out late on some days. In this relationship, my neighbor’s wife has been guilted into giving up her financial freedom and the right to ask questions when her husband stays out late.

 

It is easy to lose your self-esteem if you are around a guilt tripper. Constantly feeling inadequate and indebted limits your ability to grow, and will prevent you from taking risks that are meant to help you develop as a person.

 

Shame

You must have felt shame at some point in your life. I have felt it too. It is the emotion that makes you want to roll yourself into a small ball, or creep into some dark corner and disappear. It makes you feel unworthy, cast out or unloved. You feel like you have done the unimaginable, so grievous that your self-esteem vanishes and you begin to view yourself only by your flaws.

 

A partner will make you feel shame if he or she ignores, abuses neglects, behaves in a controlling manner, mistreats or rebukes you in private or in public.

 

Shame is quite common in relationships but is rarely discussed. Its ‘silence’ is brought by the fact that fewer people are willing to talk openly about it, keeping in mind the fact that shame causes a person to retreat and isolate himself. This silence is what has allowed shame to bear roots in this society leading to the destruction of many people’s lives.

 

Three years ago, my sister walked down the aisle and married her colleague, a guy she had dated for two years. Family and friends rose to the occasion and made for a colorful wedding. This was the first wedding in the family, and my sister was intent on setting the bar very high. This marriage would be one of the larger milestones in her life. She looked happy and fulfilled, but no one was aware of the shame she carried underneath.

 

After four short months, my sister had packed her things and was now living in my guest bedroom. She did not even want to go back and get the things she had left. Over the next month, I realized that my sister was now smiling often, laughing heartily, and making an effort to link up with old friends. The jolly sweet social girl I knew was back. I had previously noted that she had become more serious, but I assumed that the weight of taking graduate studies while still trying to start a business was taking a toll on her. However, from time to time, I would hear sob sounds coming from her bedroom.

 

Not one to pry, I did not ask her why she cried, but I assumed that she was mourning the end of her marriage, and from what I had heard, a person in mourning should be allowed to go through it so that the person is able to overcome the sorrow. It was not until one afternoon when my sister came up to me, three months after walking out on her marriage that she confessed to me what had been happening.

 

Shame is said to require three items to flourish. It needs silence, secrecy and judgment. This is the reason why people who have endured shame in the hands of their abusers keep quiet about it. Abusers count on this secrecy too to be sure that shame has entirely taken root in the life of their victims.

 

My sister told me that her husband was a master gaslighter. His abuse had started even before they wedded. He manipulated her mind and had led her to question her self-worth, her sanity and how she perceived life.  He had assured her that in the event she left him, no one else would be interested in her. She had even believed that the problems they experienced in their relationship were her fault. She had hoped that marriage would prove that she was devoted and faithful to her man.

 

The man had also taken control of their money. On leaving him, my sister could not afford to rent her apartment because he had taken over her savings and her salary. I was shocked to find out that the man had even asked her to cut links with her family because we were allegedly pulling her down.  She then became lonely, depressed, and felt shame for failing her marriage. This shame did half the work for him; it kept her loyal and leaning onto his every word.

 

On the day that she left the marriage, the man had finally acted on the physical abuse threats he had made continuously to her. He had slapped her for oversleeping instead of waking up early to help him prepare for work. Never one to stand physical abuse, being a divorce lawyer herself, she managed enough strength and walked out, never to return.

 

Shame effectively curves deep scars in people who have gone through psychological abuse. In fact, some do not even realize that they are being abused because the word itself also carries with it shame. Calling unkind words a form of abuse always seems like a person is trying to curve something bigger than is necessary, as though the person is a mere attention seeker. Some abused persons console themselves with thoughts that everyone else is going through the same thing, but this cannot be further from the truth.

 

Nevertheless, shame is difficult to shake off. It gets into the core perception of who you are an as a person and makes you question you and your identity. People who have undergone this abuse tend to have a distorted understanding of who they are, and will continuously suffer feelings of humiliation and disgust. They also tend to compare themselves to others in a negative light. Acute shame also thoroughly erodes self-esteem. Even now, my sister is yet to overcome the guilt completely. However, as a family, we have resolved to shower her with compassion and support, and it is hoped that in the future, she will regain her sense of value.

 

Economic abuse

Financial or economic abuse is simply being controlled with money. Money is a powerful tool. It is said to make the world go round (really?). When you have money, you have the freedom to buy whatever you like, go wherever you desire, pursue your goals to the furthest point, and more shockingly, to control other people.

 

Many people live under the command of a financial tyrant, a person who uses money as a tool to keep people in check. However, the cost of living under this command is that the victim has to seek permission to exercise his or her freedoms, is continuously insecure and feels useless. Economic abuse is one of the most prevalent forms of domestic violence in relationships especially in those where one partner takes charge of the finances, making the other completely reliant on the other partner. Many times, economic abuse leads to physical abuse.

 

A man or a woman could be the financial abuser in a relationship, but most often, this is the case in relationships where the man is the breadwinner and the controller of family resources, and the woman takes care of the children at home or holds a job that pays significantly less money.

 

The process of taking full control begins gradually, and increases bit by bit as the controlling partner gets the other to dance to his or her tune. It starts when the woman, which is the case many times, shows disinterest in the control of money and its management, leaving the man to handle the issue by himself. Too much power without accountability leads to abuse. It is important that you take caution in financial matters of a relationship because from cases that we have heard, even the most financially savvy people fall victim to these manipulators because besides persuasion, the manipulators also use threats, intimidation and passive-aggressive behavior to grab the power to make the decisions.

 

Interestingly, a significant proportion of the abusers are deadbeats who are comfortable allowing one partner to work and earn a living as they lazy around. They only wait to manage tyrannically what has been earned.

 

In my college days, I got to know a couple that had rented an apartment just outside the university. The couple was not married but living together, and sharing everything, including the pocket money they got from their parents. The man took charge of the finances, and would spend most of the money buying alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs. This left them struggling financially, which led the girl to look for part-time work at a local fast food joint. The guy took the money she worked for too. He himself did not work, neither did he attend his classes. It was a relief to all of us watching when the girl graduated, found work in a different state and moved. The guy was left alone, possibly looking for his next victim.

 

If the behaviors described ring a bell, here are a few more signs to look out for:

A partner finds you incapable of handling money properly

A partner refuses to disclose his or her income

A partner has set limits on what the other can spend, and expects to be asked for permission before making any spending decision

A partner hides money from the other

A partner monitors money spending behind the other’s back

A partner insists on solely managing the bank accounts and denies the other access

A partner asks for spending receipts

A partner prevents the other from going to school or to work

A partner who withholds essential resources like medication, food and clothing to control and punish the other

A partner who refuses to work but forces the other to work

A partner who makes the other feel as though he or she does not have any financial rights in the relationship

 

A partner who steals from the other and the rest of the family

A partner who issues finance-related threats if the other does something he or she does not agree with

A partner who threatens to leave the other penniless

A partner that forces the other to share PIN numbers, Social Security numbers and other private details

A partner who forces the other to sign to their having a power of attorney so that he or she can sign all legal documents without consulting the other

 

There are many other signs of a financially abusive partner. If your relationship has any of the issues listed above, you should take a course of action to take back control of your life and your finances.

 

The bottom line

It is unfortunate that society has not raised its voice to create awareness against emotional abuse. We assume that it is okay for one person to insult or demean another, so long as ‘sorry’ follows after a few hours. This is sad because some abusers do not even acknowledge their faults and will continue to keep their victims under their tyrannical rule. The victims themselves also do not realize that they are being abused and will not leave a situation until when the abuser has completely destroyed them, leaving a shell of a person. Most times, it is the physical abuse that serves as a wakeup call.

 

Psychologists who specialize in the field of domestic abuse say that majority of the calls they receive from both men and women are of people who have been abused emotionally for years, and only now, the situation has turned physical. By the time they are exposing the situation, they have also undergone financial and verbal abuse.

 

If you ask couples if they engage in physical violence, most of them will vehemently deny it. In fact, a number of them are activists against physical abuse. They will say, ‘I am a doctor,’ ‘I am a lawyer,’ ‘I am a CEO and that’s beneath me. However, these same people are comfortable with talking down their partners, locking them up in rooms, controlling their purchases, and other actions that violate the partners’ rights. They fear physical abuse because it could land them in legal trouble, but there are no laws to keep one from talking down another.

 

A 50-year old woman living in Chicago talked about her situation recently. The woman, whose name is withheld, said that it took her twenty years to leave her abusive husband. The couple met and married in their twenties because they found each other’s company ‘comfortable and easy’. However, on returning from their honeymoon, things took a drastic shift. She remembers that early on in their marriage, the man would rage at her for about an hour, calling her names like ‘dumb’, ‘stupid’ and ‘lazy’. When her children were born, he would wag his fingers in her face and declare her the ‘worst mother’ in the world. He would also threaten to leave her and their child penniless and walk away. Even sadder is the fact that most of these vehement conversations took place in the car when he was behind the wheel, endangering their lives.

 

A few months before the woman chose to walk away, the man had begun holding her head down, as if to chock her, as he yelled. He said that she had to be held in this fashion because ‘she did not listen.’ This progression frightened her and she quickly filed for divorce. She said that reading a book about physical and emotional abuse is what led her to take the step of filing for divorce.

 

Research shows that if your life is not in imminent danger, the first thing you should do when you take note of the signs of abuse discussed above is to educate yourself. Take a book, as you have done, learn all there is to your situation, and decide on the next course of action to take.

 

 

SECTION 2 – STANDING UP

Chapter 3: What it means to Stand up

 

A friendship, a marriage or a working relationship can become toxic if one partner results to abuse. The damage from these relationships can be deep and the scars can permanent. However, before much harm is done, it is possible for you to take back control of your life by standing up to the ‘bully’. Doing this means breaking away from your shell of cowering under the rule of the abuser and this will take unimaginable determination and courage.

 

Standing up also means that you will start believing in your worth and the great value that you add to the earth when you are your best self. You will have to let go of the disparaging voice embedded in your inner person that tells you that you are unworthy and not good enough. Once you begin to appreciate yourself, you will be better-positioned to stand for yourself and to set healthy boundaries around you.

 

Tolerance Invites More Abuse

 

You must be wondering, “How did I get into a relationship like this one? When did I become a pushover? How did  I get a wimp like this as my partner?” Many questions run through your mind as you begin to accept your situation or circumstances.

 

Well, let me break it down for you. Your partner is great, it is the reason you loved him. People say that love is blind, but you must have seen something good in him to love him. Everyone has a dark side, and everyone can change, it just takes the right environment and motivation to change. The reason the situation became so bad is that you allowed it. Yes, you. You allowed it.

 

This is not meant to blame you, but to show you the reality; that you have absolute control of your life. No one should be able to determine what happens to you or where you end up but yourself. It is likely that when your partner showed the first signs of abuse, you were shocked, in denial and insecure such that you allowed yourself to tolerate his controlling and manipulative behavior. You probably did it because you wanted to maintain peace, or because you attached your sense of self-worth to this relationship.

 

The problem with creating a rich ground and throwing in a seed is that it must germinate and grow. When you created an environment that allows your partner to push you over with small acts and small statements, you created a fertile ground that has allowed him to behave as he does today. Becoming the defenseless partner that can be pushed around is never a solution to a difficult relationship, because in the first place, the relationship destroys you. It kills your self-confidence and self-esteem, perpetuating the emotional abuse cycle.

 

When you accommodate a person’s disrespectful behavior towards you, partner or otherwise, you are allowing yourself to take responsibility for the other party’s poor behavior and choices. You are immediately turned into a hostage under another’s control.

 

Please understand that everyone has the capacity to choose the course of action to take, and therefore, your partner’s abusive behavior towards you is entirely his choice, and it is not your fault. However, you have contributed to it by not standing up for yourself and setting the standard of how you ought to be treated.

 

Here are some stories Amy Lewis, a psychologist at Psychology Today gave of different real-life cases in which people allowed themselves to get hurt when they exchanged their emotional wellness, needs and opinions for approval and attention in relationships.

 

John and Jacqueline

John and Jacqueline are preparing to host some friends for dinner in the evening. Jacqueline is busy making sure that the food, the drinks, and the setting will be ready before the guests start to arrive. The number of people expected is large, which means that she has to cook food in large quantities. It is almost five o’clock, and she does not have much time.

 

Her husband, John knows that Jacqueline is busy, but he does not regard her time and effort. His needs must be met first. He starts fondling her and spins her around, pulling her towards himself. Jacqueline is not impressed and asks him to stop, insisting that she has a load of work to complete. John pretends not to hear her complains and continues his business. Unable to stop him, Jacqueline turns off her stove and allows him to drag her into the bedroom.

 
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